Happy Eclipse Day! Something about the eclipse started me thinking about Cersei, and that sparked a new “valonqar” theory. But first, let’s touch on last night’s Game of Thrones episode. 7.6 ,”Beyond the Wall,” was a mix of everything I love and everything I strongly dislike about the show. Here are my short takes on the various facets of the episode:

Arya Vs. Sansa: Horse hockey.

Dany and Jon: Yes.

Chains in the land of no forges: from the boat docks at Hardhome.

Viserion the Wight Dragon: How did I never foresee this?

Now, here’s my perfectly evil, indefensibly dark Cersei theory, which came to me while the sun was blotted out overhead. It ties into the “Valonqar” prophecy. To recap:

Cersei: Will the king and I have children?
Maggy: Oh, aye. Six-and-ten for him, and three for you. Gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds, she said. And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.

As you might recall, “valonqar” means little brother or (perhaps) little sister. Cersei interpreted it to mean Tyrion, her despised youngest brother, would kill her if she didn’t kill him first. I never believed it would be Tyrion; that seemed too easy. For a long time I was convinced it was Jaime, her twin and technically her little brother–what better punishment for Cersei than to be killed by her staunchest ally? Then I remembered he only has one hand. Naturally, prophecies can be woolly and inexact, but that’s a problem. Plus, Jaime is so darn loyal! If he didn’t snap after she blew up the Sept, I don’t think he’ll kill her, ever.

Of course, “little brother” (or maybe sister) is very vague, and easily expanded to other families. Arya’s a deadly little sister who could surely kill Cersei. Dany’s a little sister, too. Either of them as the valonqar is more believable (and less disgusting) than what came to me. [Disclaimer: writers are strange people. I can’t help where my mind goes.]

Suppose Cersei isn’t lying about her pregnancy. It isn’t a lie to manipulate Jaime, or that old TV chestnut (menopause-mistaken-for-one-last-baby), but she’s really pregnant. During the Long Night, she goes into early labor and loses the baby. As she weeps, the valonqar stirs, reveals its glowing sapphire-blue eyes, and strangles her.

I know. How do I sleep at night? MUAHAHAHAHAHAH

And while we’re on babies and prophecies, let’s reexamine the prophecy that caused Dany to believe she’ll never have children:

“When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” said Mirri Maz Duur. “When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When your womb quickens again, and you bear a living child. Then he will return, and not before.”

Now what follows isn’t mine; it seems to have arisen from the collective wisdom of the web. It also pertains to events in the books, particularly A Dance with Dragons, so if you only follow the TV show, you’ll just have to trust me. The explanation for the prophecy goes as follows:

These are not impossible paradoxes, but rather poetic descriptions of real events. It suggests that “when the sun rises in the west and sets in the east” refers to Prince Quentin Martell of Sunspear, who grew up in the west, traveled east, and died there. “When the seas go dry” could mean the Dothraki sea, which Dany notes is dying back. (In the TV show, perhaps the frozen sea is a stand-in.) “When the mountains blow in the wind like leaves” could mean the destruction of the two lesser pyramids in Meereen, which turned to ash and was scattered on the wind. (In the TV show, it might refer to the undead Mountain’s defeat. If he’s rotting under that armor, the Hound might pulverize him, assume the Cleganebowl ever actually happens.) “When your womb quickens again” seems to refer to Dany’s menstruation/possible miscarriage at the end of A Dance with Dragons. So it seems that Dany isn’t absolutely, positively childless. And hey, even if she is, it can still be a happy family: